Happy Birthday - A weekend of mixed emotions

Tomorrow is my birthday, 59, in case you are wondering. Courtney, Paul, Tizita, Alissa and Nathan all came home to celebrate my birthday with me just as I wanted. We had planned this in early January before our lives were changed forever with the news of our precious Natnael.
I approach this birthday with mixed emotions, I approached this weekend with mixed emotions, truth be told, I am approaching life with mixed emotions since the news. I knew it would be good to see everyone, but I knew it would be hard to see everyone.
Courtney had a set of pictures made for us. There are about 15 or so photos taken of Natnael while he was in the care center. Nati with balls, nati doing silly tricks, Nati smiling, Nati eating, these photos are priceless treasures, but I could not even look at them yet. The pain is too new, the sadness is too fresh. I look forward to really studying them some day down the road when the emotions are not so raw.
Some parts of this weekend seemed so normal and so much like life was before the news of Natnael. We started out Friday with a dinner at El mariachi. We smiled, we laughed, it felt good, it felt normal. For a little while, at least, it was good.

Courtney and Paul love El Mariachi, they needed comfort food. They are sad, but their smiles shown through at times and for a little while it all felt normal and good.

Tizita is still Tizita, the joy of our lives and she made us laugh by her silliness, her innocence, and her genuine love for all of us.

After dinner, we headed over to Lyon's Pub for a beer or three. More laughs, more normalcy, more good times.

My mom babysat for Tizita so that we could continue our night at Ann's.

With these three men in tow, how could it not be a terrific evening?

And this is my beautiful family. I am so proud of my daughters who have grown up to be the best of friends. They may be separated by miles but when they get together, the time is fun, normal, good.

The night was good. It was filled with reminiscing about good times, laughter, normalcy.

On Saturday, we had a slow, lazy day made to order. We opened gifts in the afternoon. Tizita helped me with the goody box. I did not fare so well, guessing only nine of the ten and taking myself out of the running for grand champ.

Another picture with my beautiful daughters and my yummy eau claire torte made by my mom.

My best gift of all is this precious little girl who can make me smile no matter what. We had lots of time to spend together this weekend and that was nice.
We ended Saturday night with a slide show and an early bedtime of ten.

On Sunday, my Preschoolers sang in church. Tizita came with me to hang out with some of her friends before church. I love how much they love and miss her. We all need friends just like this.

We surprised Courtney, Paul, and Tizita by putting two plants on the altar in memory of sweet Natnael. Not much, but a symbol of our love for him and his life. They are live plants that they can take home and take care of.

And these are my sweet Preschoolers singing, "I am Jesus' Little Lamb."

The words of this song wrap up my feelings for this post:

Who so happy as I am, even now the Shepherd's lamb,

And when my short life is ended, by his angel host attended,

He will fold me to his breast, there within his arms to rest.

Such a comfort to think that Natnael is resting in Jesus' arms right now.

So, mixed emotions all around this weekend.

I know it will get easier as time goes on and some sort of normal will return, but I don't think it will ever be quite the same again.

Life Goes on , one day at time

I don't want to post a new entry because it means I am leaving the only picture we have of Natnael to get buried in my blog along with all the other photos.
But, life goes on and so must we. One day at a time has been the motto around here.
We may never have met our sweet Natnael, but he will be in our hearts forever, he will be our first grandson. I will work hard to keep his memory alive.
John and I went to Elias last night using a gift card that Courtney and Paul had given us as a thank you for taking care of Tizita while they were in Ethiopia. We had not been to Elias for a long time and it was even better than we had remembered it. We had a great night out thanks to Courtney and Paul. I actually feel we should have paid them for allowing us to spend 11 days with Tizita.
So, we will keep moving forward from here.

There are no words for such sadness

This is the only picture that Courtney and Paul will ever have of their precious little Natnael. To me, this picture is worth way more than a thousand words. (I think there is an old saying to that effect or maybe I just made it up, my mind is a bit jumbled these days.) I just love the way that Natnael is looking at Paul out of those big beautiful brown eyes. He knows his papa and his mama, too, of that I am certain. I also can just see what a wonderful addition he would have been to our family. Those eyes say it all. Sadly, we will never know anything about these eyes or the beautiful soul behind them until we meet in heaven.
This is unchartered seas for us. We don't know how to act right now or even exactly what to feel, so all we feel is sadness along with some unbelief and despair. How can he look so healthy in this picture which was taken about a week before he died? Not for us to know right now.
How can God take such a precious little boy that was supposed to be in our lives? Not for us to know right now.
So many questions will remain unanswered this side of heaven, but that is how God operates at times and we know He has a plan and it will be perfect for our family.
One thing I am so grateful for is how many people genuinely care about our family and our sweet little Natnael at this time. As I told people at work today, they had tears in their eyes, real tears for our pain and our loss. I appreciate all of these people that God put there today.
So, for today, at least that is enough. All those people that touched my life today, that is enough for now.
Keep praying for us.

Sad, Sad News

Courtney called today with some very sad news. Our dear, sweet, precious Natnael died today in Ethiopia. I am just so sad.
All of my hopes and dreams for this little guy died today, too.
I never met him, but he held a special place in my heart and he always will.
God has a plan, we just need patience to watch it unfold.
Good bye sweet Natnael.
See you in heaven.

This and That

It is hard to get back on the blog wagon after all the exciting posts about Tizita's stay with us. Everything seems a bit boring to me now as far as writing goes.
John and I did have a nice relaxing weekend which would have been darn near perfect if the Packers had won their game today, but instead they are now done for the season. We debated whether we should ask for a refund for our stock or fire the whole lot of them. The debate is still in process.
We spent Thursday and Friday just getting back into our routines without a five year old in the midst of things.
Friday night we went out to El Mariachi with Vikki, Kev, and my mom. It was an much needed adult night out. We enjoyed yummy Mexican food and a few beers there. We ended up at Lyon's Pub for a few more cold ones. Lots of good conversation and many laughs.
Saturday, we slept in till 8:00, that felt really good. We did our shopping and enjoyed a nice lunch at Berres Brothers. John had a coupon for a free Birthday lunch so we took advantage of it. We watched a few movies in the evening and had a nice fire.
Today we slept in once again, then church, a nice long walk, and a crummy football game!
Tomorrow it is back to the old grind.

And they're back

And just like that, in a flash, our 11 days with Tiz are over. We took her to the airport tonight to meet Courtney and Paul as they deplaned. Here she is perched up in a high spot so she could spot her mama and papa as they walked down the exit.

And, boy, did she ever take off when she spotted them!

The happy family is reunited.

Handmade gifts for mama and papa.

Helping with the luggage.

New scarf from mama and papa.

A last hug for Grandpa and

a hug for Grandma, too.

Our house is quiet, but I know the Van Auken family is happy to be together again. Now we just need to get Natnael home!

The Final Countdown

We just put Tizita to bed for the last time. (Well, not the last time, but the last time in this adventure in Grandparent babysitting) It was another easy bedtime. She requested Grandpa as usual and he read her some books and she fell asleep.
It is hard to believe that just one week ago today we were just starting this adventure and we had lots of concerns and worries about how it would all go. My biggest concern was if Tiz could follow our routine especially in the morning and at bedtime. All that worry was useless because things could not have gone better.
We made lots of happy memories together and got to know Tizita on yet another level.
Tonight after dinner she wanted to organize and play a few games, so Grandpa, Gigi, and I followed her rules and played some very original games. She has boundless energy and an imagination that does not quit plus her vocabulary is unreal. I noticed that everywhere she goes, people love her and she just seems to light up their world. Such a blessing!

Tomorrow after school she has a play date with Addi Faltersack, then we leave for the airport after the play date.. What a happy reunion that will be and although we will miss her so much, we know that she belongs back at home with mama and papa.

Our house will be quiet, but we are old and we need the quiet sometimes!